November 10, 2018 at 12:45pm

The title of this final blog post is the official time of Paul’s death after a year long battle with pancreatic cancer. It has been a really hard year on our family, but also a year in which we were able to enjoy the grace of God in the midst of the mess. There is no way we could have endured all that came our way without our family and friends to support us, pray for us, encourage us, and sacrifice so much to help us. I want to say thank you for all the ways that you have walked with us through this journey.

When I drove Paul to the Levine-Dickson Hospice house in Huntersville on Friday, October 19, I knew that he was near the end of his cancer journey. It had become impossible to manage his pain at home, and he was able to feel where other tumors had grown in his abdomen. Once we arrived and got settled in, the amazing staff at Hospice was able to control his pain, and we were able to enjoy some really sweet times together as a family as Paul felt better. We were blessed to have so many friends come visit, and Paul was even able to leave a couple of times — once to come home for a few hours, which was really special to him, and another time to make a final trip to REI with his brother Allen. We also were able to meet some amazing families who were walking through what we were walking through.

In his last week things seem to progress rapidly. The combination of the strong medication along with the progression of his disease indicated that he was entering the final leg of his race. In his final hours he was surrounded by his loving family and friends as we held his hand, spoke words of love to him, read Scripture, prayed, and cheered him on to the finish line. Just before 1pm on Saturday my husband took one final, quiet breath on earth, and took his first breath in heaven. It was sweet and peaceful. 

Several months ago, Paul sat down and thought about this moment. We talked a lot about life and death. We prayed for healing, shed a lot of tears, and had many sad conversations. But Paul’s faith was strong. He really believed this cancer was God’s plan, and that good would come out of that. In some ways this led him to plan out his funeral service. He chose the songs, he invited some to speak, and he even requested that the service end with a time of fellowship and Coke floats! I hope you will be able to come to the service which will be on Saturday, November 17 at 2:00pm at Denver Baptist Church. Paul wanted two things to be emphasized at this service — the worship of Jesus, as well as the hope of the gospel. 

So many have asked me how we are doing with all this. As I said, it has been a hard year. Our grieving started a long time ago and continues. But I am so proud of my husband for fighting hard and for running his race so well. We reminded each other often that our hope is not here, that grace is sufficient, and that even when you have cancer Jesus is good. I have spent a lot of time thinking of the joy that my husband is now experiencing as he stands in the presence of Jesus. His mouth is no longer filled with pain, but praise. He is healed, and he has seen Jesus and others who have gone before him. We miss him, but we are relieved that his suffering has ended and that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. We are holding on to God’s promise to us that one day we will all be together with the Lord.

Now we are adjusting to a new normal. We are figuring out how to navigate this new path that the Lord has put us on. He has been so good to us so far and strengthened us as a family. My kids have been amazing, and the mood of our home is thankfulness and hope. As we move forward, will you pray for us? I have a lot of things to deal with, such as insurance companies and other end of life issues. Pray that the Lord will heal our hearts and that His grace will soothe our grief. Pray that my kids will emotionally and spiritually walk well through these days. Pray that He will give me wisdom and strength as I learn how to be a single mom. Pray also that when the long, hard nights come that our hearts will rest on His promises. 

Finally, let me say thank you once again. The Lord has been so kind to put us into such a loving community, and I have been so overwhelmed by your expressions of love towards us as a family. It has enabled us to be strong in this journey. 

Jen, Reese, Ella and Claire

Update for October

Jen and I are so thankful for the generosity and demonstrations of love that you have shown to our family during my cancer journey. I have lost track of all the people and expressions of kindness that we have benefited from over the last year. It has encouraged us greatly, and we are so thankful that God has put us in a community of people to walk with us and help us.

Since my last update I have been able to enjoy spending time with family and friends. I have been able to watch soccer games, work on the cars with Reese, attend worship services, participate in my bible study group, go into work some, and do some things that were on my list to get done. One thing I really wanted to do was to drive one more time on the Blue Ridge Parkway, but in a fast car instead of a mini-van. So, I borrowed my friend’s very fast BMW and hit the parkway with my friend Chris. It was the perfect day to see the mountains, hike a little bit, and take some curves faster than I should have. We made our way to Brevard because I wanted to eat in one of my favorite restaurants, and then went trout fishing with my brother-in-law. It was such a fun day!

On the way home we had to pull over because my stomach wasn’t cooperating. It had been a while since I had vomited like that, but it is just an indication that the pancreatic cancer is destroying my ability to digest food. The disease has progressed and in the last month my pain levels have increased significantly. As a result, we reached out to Hospice to help us manage my pain better. They are a wonderful organization and have been very helpful. As of now, I am receiving care at a Hospice House in hopes of getting the pain under control a little better. 

In 2 Timothy 4:6, another man named Paul said, “...the time of my departure has come.” I know that unless God changes His mind, this cancer will become the gateway that ushers me into the presence of the Lord. This is not how I would have written the last chapter in the book of my life. But, my faith is in a God who is good and sovereign. There are three ways I can view this cancer: as an accident, something that God didn’t expect or couldn’t prevent; as an attack, something that God isn’t able to defeat; or an appointment, something that God has planned for His glory and my good.

I am resting in God’s sovereignty and grace as I come to the end of my race. He has used my weakness to increase my trust in His strength. In my moments of terrible suffering and pain, I have been thankful for the suffering and pain of Christ that He endured for me. Thoughts of His great love for sinners like me have brought me comfort in those moments. He has been good to me, and has promised good to all who trust Him—and that includes my family. 

We don’t get to choose the way we die. But we can make some decisions about how we live. I look back over my life, and I am thankful that God enabled me to understand the great joy that would come from a life lived for His glory, on His mission. He allowed me to see His work in many places in the world, to support the advancement of the gospel, and to share this good news of hope with many. I wish I had 43 more years. But I’m thankful for the 43 He has graciously given me--a full life lived on mission with a wonderful family, side by side with my brothers and sisters in Christ. My reward isn’t to be found in the stuff of earth, but to see Jesus, and to enjoy Him forever.

What about you? One day your day of departure will come. Do you have any hope? Have you found any solid ground to stand on in this life? Have you found lasting joy in this life? It is completely available to you in Jesus Christ. It may be that I'm not able to speak with you face to face again in this life, so let me give you some final words: Jesus is enough to save you and satisfy you. He is worthy of your life, and if you trust in Him, He will be a comfort to you in your death.

“Only one life, twill soon be past; only what’s done for Christ will last.”

Update for July/August 2018

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog updates. Since my diagnosis last November, I have been greatly encouraged by all the prayers, notes of support, outpouring of gifts and expressions of love and friendship that have been shown to me and my family. Having cancer is really tough on me physically and emotionally, as well as on my family, but you have been a great encouragement to us in the midst of this journey.

Now for a little update. The summer seemed to fly by, but we were able to enjoy a lot of time together as a family making many memories. We took several trips to the beach, did a lot of fishing, and just enjoyed being together with family and friends. We were also able to have a big gathering at the beach with 25 of my family to celebrate my 43rd birthday.

Because of the kindness of friends, Jen and I were able to have an anniversary getaway at the Grove Park Inn in Asheville. We got to enjoy a spa day, have a nice dinner, and enjoy the beautiful views of the mountains. Almost 20 years ago, I took Jen up to the Blue Ridge Parkway to ride and hike, and that is where I asked her to marry me. So, on the way home we hit the Blue Ridge Parkway and re-visited different spots that reminded us of that day.

On August 11, I went and had my first PET scan to see if there had been any growth or progression with the cancer. Jen and I met with my doctor on Monday, August 13 to discuss the results. We received news that we expected, but not what we wanted. The cancer has spread to my abdominal wall, liver, colon and adrenal gland. I now have a large tumor behind my belly button. This means that I now officially have stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

That afternoon Jen and I met with our pastor to talk about what we are now facing, as well as to discuss options and treatment possibilities. My doctor was honest with me and told me that my situation is “not good.” As we talked, my pastor asked me, “Well, what do you want to do?” I didn’t hesitate with my answer — “I want to go to Amsterdam.” For the past two years I have been a part of a mission team in Amsterdam, but I hadn’t made plans to go this year. But now I wanted to try to go and join the team. 

I had made the decision a couple months ago to get my passport renewed. I knew that might seem odd considering that there is some uncertainty with how much the cancer has grown and spread. But I felt like I needed to do that. I’m glad I did! Because of some incredible generosity, I was able to be a part of the mission team this year. It was such an amazing time with this team, and I was able to share my cancer story, as well as my hope in Christ with many people.

Before that trip, Reese and I took off to the Outer Banks with some of my co-workers to fish. Sometimes those trips are more about the fellowship than the fishing! We didn’t come back with a big catch, but we did return with a lot of good memories.

So, what is next for me in this cancer journey? Well, you can pray for us as we have some decisions to make. I have been invited to participate in a clinical trial. Jen and I are still weighing out our options and trying to figure out what is best for me and the family.

Other than that, we are taking it day by day. My energy level has been good most days, and I’m able to work some. Activities with the kids, church and friends keep me busy. Life has been good this summer, in spite of this cancer.

Here are some ways that you can pray for me:

• Discernment concerning the invitation to participate in the clinical trial
• Energy to maintain a normal family rhythm
• Wisdom to know how to balance my responsibility at home, work and church
• Humility to receive from others that are gracious and kind to help

Health Update for June 2018

I want to start this update by saying thank you for all the prayers, expressions of kindness, meals, gifts, and visits. We have been so encouraged by the outpouring of love that we have experienced from so many of you. We are thankful that the Lord has provided such an amazing community for us to be a part of—from our long-time friends, to our church family, and the company that I work for. This cancer journey has been physically and emotionally hard, but you have been used by the Lord to bring comfort, laughter and fun into our lives. So, thank you!

Things have been quite busy since my last update. The end of the school year was full of EOGs, end-of-year parties, and field days. Our school also celebrates graduations for 5th graders and 8th graders, which meant that both Ella and Reese participated in those ceremonies. It is hard to believe that Reese will be in high school next year, and Ella will be in middle school! Claire loved all the end-of-the-year fun, and she will be in 3rd grade next year. 

                                               

A couple of days after school let out, we headed to the beach for some much needed time away. We are very fortunate to have access to my parents' little "trailer by the sea", just south of Beaufort, SC, that we can use. Some dear friends from church were able to join us for the week, as well. A friend graciously allowed us to use his boat, so we were able to do some fishing, which was really fun for us. We didn’t catch much, but I love being out on the water. We were able to take the boat out at sunset and enjoy the beauty of creation and just relax together. 

That week, Jen and I also celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary! We were able to enjoy a nice night out together in downtown Beaufort. We went to dinner, walked around town, and had uninterrupted conversation with each other. As difficult as this cancer has been in our lives, it has also had a way of strengthening us as a couple and a family. 

After a fun first week in Beaufort, we headed north to Ocean Isle to spend the week with Jen’s parents, as well as her brother Elliot and his family. While there, we celebrated Reese's 14th birthday and the boys enjoyed surf fishing while the girls enjoyed the beach.  We enjoyed much time just hanging out and talking.  And once again, I was able to get out on the water to enjoy some more fishing, thanks to my friend, John Crutchfield, and his boat! We had a lot of fun and caught a lot of fish...enough to have a fish fry for dinner that night.

I have had some days here and there where I don't feel so well and need to rest most of the day. When I feel good, which is more and more, I have a habit of overdoing it. When I was having treatments, it was so hard on me and I felt bad all the time. I am so thankful to be feeling better overall and for my energy to be returning somewhat. When I have a good day, I make the most of it. Jen reminds me often of the need to pace myself, and thankfully, I haven't had any really bad days since the middle of the month.

This has enabled me to enjoy being back at work more. I have the most understanding co-workers, and I continue to be very thankful for their grace and patience with me in this journey. The kids attended and Jen served at VBS at church. I was able to join them for some of the week. I also have had the strength and stamina these days to still be a part of the production crew for our worship services on Sunday mornings. 

This month also means summer camp for both Reese and Ella. The student camp that Reese attended is about an hour or so away. Jen and I were able to head up there on Tuesday night to see Reese, as well as be a part of the worship gathering. The Lord has been so good to let me have the joy of  seeing my kids grow in their faith and love for Jesus. Ella's week of camp is the last week of June.

This month has already been pretty busy with family, church, work and life. Even so, I am still fighting against this cancer every day. I had a scan on June 11 to see the effects that the treatments had had on the tumor. Jen and I met with our doctor on the June 14, and received the good news that my cancer has not spread. It is still localized to the pancreas. It was hard for the doctor to tell if there had been any growth in the size of the tumor. The doctor was pleased, but thinks that we will get better results with another future scan. 

This month, I also added an integrated medical doctor to my oncology team to be a resource for symptom management. We had a very encouraging and helpful visit with him. He spent a lot of time with me and he is looking for ways to help me with better sleep patterns, nutrition and other facets of dealing with some of the symptoms that come with this fight. I really liked him, and I am happy that he is on my team.

Besides the few days when I was down, life has been pretty normal this month. When I am down, I suffer from a lack of appetite, cold chills, dizziness and extreme fatigue. It isn't unusual for me to sleep most of the day when those days come. I also try to take time to read, pray, or watch TV until my body starts to feel better and my energy begins to return. As physically draining as those days are, I have found them to be much more draining emotionally because what I really want is to have the energy to be with my family. My wife has been able to maintain such strength and understanding, and always seems to find a way to keep our family rhythm as normal as possible. Reese has become a young man, and steps in to help his mom however he can when I'm down. Ella usually ends up watching TV with me as I'm stuck in the bed, which always cheers me up. Claire will also sit with me, talk with me, and kiss me on the head. My family has been such a rock on those days.

As for what is next, I am scheduled to have a PET scan in two months, which hopefully will reveal more of what we are dealing with. I have actually been able to gain a little weight, sleep well, and my body seems to be returning to normal as the effects of the radiation and chemo treatments wear off. The battle is still raging, but the days of June have been such an improvement over the previous months. I praise God for that, and I know that God has chosen to show me so much grace in the midst of my cancer.

Thank you again for your care, concern, prayers, kindness and friendship shown to me and my family during this journey. Just knowing that so many are praying for me encourages my spirit and reminds me of how the Lord uses that to bring some comfort to us in the middle of this storm. Please continue to pray for us.

Health Update #3

It’s been a little while since I shared a health update with you. I appreciate your prayers and concerns, and I want you to keep praying for me! Here is what has been happening over the last couple of months:

Three weeks ago I finished my last round of chemo/radiation. My treatment regimen included taking oral chemo pills twice a day and weekday radiation therapy. This lasted for 5 1/2 weeks.

 

While the side effects of this treatment were much better than my first round of chemo, it was still rough on me. I experienced a lot of fatigue, which led to a lot of sleeping. Some days I would be asleep 12-15 hours. It is hard to describe how tired and sleepy I was most days. I also developed a stomach ulceration. This was due to the radiation therapy happening near my stomach, which made it really difficult for me to eat solid foods. I went several weeks struggling to eat, which became rather depressing. It is amazing how much of our lives revolve around eating, and when that is gone it can have a terrible effect on you emotionally and mentally. I was there for many days during this treatment. 

As you can imagine, those weeks were also very hard on my family. I wasn’t able to do much other than sleep, which I hated but I couldn’t do anything about it. My wife found a way to keep things as normal as possible for our home. Another side effect of having cancer is massive amounts of stress on the family. Jen and the kids have managed it so well, and thankfully life has been pretty normal for everyone. We have enjoyed celebrating birthdays (Ella and Claire), and we had a great time celebrating Easter with all our family. It has been good to have friends and family visit and to be able to make a little backyard campfire to sit around and talk. 

Right before I started radiation, our family had a couple of events occur that has brought great joy and memories for us. First, I was able to baptize our third child, Claire, who has professed faith in Jesus. So many of our family attended the service, and we had a huge family lunch afterwards. As soon as we finished eating, we jumped in the car and headed to Jacksonville, FL, for a 5-day cruise to the Bahamas! It was good to do this as a family, since Jen and I were unable to go on the cruise to celebrate my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary last November with my family. Our kids have become pros at this cruise thing, and they had a blast showing us the ropes.

One of the things the doctors told me about radiation treatment is that my body would feel the effects of the radiation a couple of weeks after the treatments ended. In fact, I was warned that my fatigue could get worse even though I was no longer being zapped. Thankfully, after a week or so my strength, energy and appetite began to return. I started feeling really good, and was able to go back to work some. The Lord knew what he was doing when he put me in this job, with this company. My boss (who is more of a friend to me than a boss), has been so kind and patient with me, and has allowed me to work when I can and take the time that I need to recover. 

My energy returned in time for me to head to the beach for a 3-day fishing trip with all the Ratcliff and Aiken men. My father-in-law planned it, and Reese was so excited to be with his cousins and to get out of school to go fishing. We caught a lot of fish, ate a lot of food, shared a lot of laughs, and enjoyed lots of good conversation.

Let me wrap this up by sharing with you what is next for me in this cancer battle. I have a scan scheduled for the middle of June to see what impact the treatments have had on the tumor. Unless something miraculous has happened, we are not anticipating a future surgery. I have scheduled an appointment with a doctor who specialized in integrated medicine to help me with different approaches to manage some symptoms and effects of the cancer. 

Today, as I write this update, I am feeling really good. Tomorrow may be different, but I am thankful for each day. We have a fun and busy summer planned, and I hope to catch more fish! Your prayers, calls, and expressions of care have been sustaining us over these last 6 months. Thanks for taking the time to read this update, and please let it help you know how to continuing praying for us.